A tidbit of background: the only sport that the students of Behr High School are (currently) competitive in is swimming, and that’s thanks to the slew of aquatic talent arising from the classes of 2018 through 2020. Behr once dominated Illinois in volleyball (1980s) and diving (1990s), but those days, as we’ve hopefully indicated, passed the small-city school long ago. Don’t ask us about the institution’s athletic drought of the 2000s—that was the decade of the Quizbowl team, their glory long gone, yet preserved with dusty trophies that should be emblazoned with “The State’s Biggest Nerds.”
Looking at these historical patterns of excellence, it seems as though Behr can never stick to a single reputation, a single sport, a single extracurricular. Every few years, we’re known for something different, and that’s partly a result of our shrinking budget. Now, an anonymous collective of students and alumni fascinated by Behr’s sports volatility are trying to fund a Commentary Club—an unprecedented endeavor. Stream their coverage of last week’s swimming event (what else?), the Midwest National Qualifiers, down below.
Play: If you’re just joining us, welcome to the Behr Broadcasts.
Color: And thank you for barely funding our existence.
Play: I told you not to say that—
Color: —A few moments ago, we saw senior Jackson Baines emerge with a shocking third-place finish in what is historically considered his worst event:
Both: The 100-yard backstroke.
Color: (whispering) The backstrooooke.
Play: His younger brother, Julian Baines from the class of 2020, is nowhere to be found.
Color: Speaking of Behr’s class of 2020, here’s Allen Jones. He’s a noted generalist, the first varsity letter earner of his class, and—based on my one-on-one interviews with the team—quite the lone wolf.
Play: [inaudible]
Color: (not paying any attention to Play’s quips) And it looks like he’s heading towards lane four for his only event tonight, the 50-yard freestyle. I could talk so much more about that dude’s history of superstardom, but we don’t have the time or the budget for that.
Play: Enough about how broke we are.
Color: To anybody who’s actually streaming this, we have Venmo and Zelle!
Play: I…okay. I might be reading faces wrong from this vantage point, but Allen looks…nervous.
Color: No, no, you’re…you’re actually sort of right. He’s not preparing the way he usually does. He’s just…sitting there?
Play: Maybe it’s a silent show of dominance. After all, this free, if anything, is the event synonymous with his name.
Color: What’s going on inside his head?
Play: Well, if we’ve learned anything from watching the past few races, these past few meets, the pressure gets to a lot of people and can drastically affect their performance in the water. Must be a name for that feeling.
Color: You mean sports anxiety? Aren’t you quite the psychologist.
Play: It’s all about how a swimmer wields their mental state as soon as they jump off the platform. Allen…he likes to keep himself perfectly emotionless—most of the time—which makes our jobs a lot more difficult. But it seems to work for him.
Color: When we—excuse me, he—wins tonight, he’ll go home with his second ticket to a National Championship.
Play: It looks like the race is about to begin. Everybody’s lining up. Starter’s about to fire.
Color: We’re going!
Play: Wait a second, I take that back. On your behalf. Referee’s signaling something’s wrong. He’s pointing towards…lane…lane four—
Color: —Oh, my God, Allen’s not getting out of the water!
Play: Where’s the [_____] lifeguard?
Color: Leslie, don’t curse on the livestream!
Leslie: I’m sorry that I’m worried about our friend’s brother, Shel—
Shel: He’s being pulled out.
Leslie: He’s being pulled out?
Shel: He’s being pulled out…he’s conscious.
Leslie: That’s very different from being okay.
(A moment of silence for the fallen soldier.)
Shel: (to the sound engineer) Send a message to shut off the camcorders. Now. Audio only.
Leslie: I don’t think any of us saw that coming. The race will continue on without him, and...and I feel bad saying this, but I’m betting most of his competitors are feeling pretty relieved right now. With Allen Jones out of the equation, everyone has a chance at first.
Shel: Victory could go to anyone.
Leslie: But it’s absolutely devastating to Behr.
Shel: And to us. He’s…the stronghold. But he’s going back to the locker room, no towel, not even acknowledging the lifeguard.
Leslie: Many swimmers don’t know firsthand how heartbreaking a false start can be, but tonight he joins that unfortunate club.
Shel: His season is over. Sanaiya M. Luthar is a Chicago-based writing enthusiast. A thoroughly unaccomplished athlete, she was the MVP of her school’s basketball team the season they won 0 games & loves rewatching Ted Lasso.
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