Thaddeus Lim-Murphy <tlm.brnr.98@yahoo.com>
To: Anderson Zhang <andiefrancis1998@yahoo.com>
Subject: I’d like to schedule a meeting
Good morning, Anderson.
Read the subject line, you bum. I’d call you worse, but I gave the Yahoo people permission to read my messages, so I have to save my best insults for our meeting - AKA when I raid your office at 4:30 this afternoon.
I know what you did.
How dare you test my patience. My TAs hate you right now. And I had to remind my students that “doxxing” the registrar goes against Behr’s Code of Conduct. They’re doing well enough with quantum superposition that I was going to bring you and your amateurish drum set in for a post-final jam session. I’ve been talking up how talented you are - yet you’re the only musician I know who’s ever made me wonder: why do I bother?
I know you gave me the 6:45am time slot for the spring semester final.
And, yes, I know - the academic advisors like to say the work you do “takes a village,” but I also know how much they love covering your ass. I thought you chose 6:45 randomly because you “wouldn’t want to violate your ethical principles.” I’m proud of you for not violating the principles you don’t have. This was clearly a targeted, un-random attack. Again, I’m saving my best insults for this afternoon. I’m just reminding you why you deserve them.
(With all that in mind, I do like my time slot. Somehow. I like it when you consciously try to hurt me but subconsciously benefit my well-being - just as my administrative nemeses back in Indiana tended to do. My students’, not so much, but a little bit of morning sun shouldn’t scar any vampiric freshmen permanently. I’ll get them coffee, and they can walk into the exam hall to the sound of “Every Breath You Take” since you love Sting and The Police, and they love the idea of doxxing people. You gave an Army veteran the best damn slot in the house. I’m off campus by 9am. That means I can spend the rest of my day recovering on your couch and raiding your fridge for bagels to toast…that should be an ample apology, right? Letting me dairy-squat? Mmhmm.)
PS - Despite my affinity for David Byrne, which you don’t share (even though the last time I checked you had two kids who could be the missing members of Talking Heads), I promise to not go burning down the house while using the new toaster. (But I must admit the moment you used the fire blanket on the Breville made me realize I actually quite love you, Andie.)
PPS - This is not “love-bombing” or whatever the psychology department calls it. It’s just honesty. You said you wanted more of that from me. Oh, and apparently, Yahoo can go to hell. Terry from IT said we should try Hotmail or something for “unprofessional communications.”
Enjoy your April. I’ll be sure to visit you in the Tenth Circle reserved exclusively for higher-ed administrators.
💜, Ted
Sent from my iPhone
Anderson Zhang <andiefrancis1998@yahoo.com>
To: Thaddeus Lim-Murphy <tlm.brnr.98@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: I’d like to schedule a meeting
Hi, Thaddeus—
Could you raid my office at 4:15? Please & thanks. I look forward to an afternoon of insults & invective along the lines of “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” “My bad for making light of that serious thing you’re getting treatment for” (ahem), “You’re good with drums and bagels and obsolete fire extinguishers” (it was an extinguisher, not a blanket)—awful things like that.
I do look forward to returning the favor, which you can enjoy in advance: I suppose I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with you. Plus, you won’t have to visit me in hell if I drag you down with me. You’re absolutely terrible with both drums & bagels. How I ended up with a bassist/arsonist as a partner is a question I’m going to leave to the God(s) I’m not sure I believe in. Please don’t burn my house down—I’ll still have a mortgage to pay. “Once in a Lifetime” is an objectively flawless song, & I wouldn’t want to file a libel lawsuit against you for implying anything other than my immense respect for my sons’ musical tastes or the Talking Heads, especially David Byrne…
P.S.: If you keep making me panic with these stupid, misdirection-laden burner account emails, I’m worried my fingers will slip & accidentally reschedule your final. Look, I’m sorry for making it 6:45 in the first place. I don’t feel bad for you per se, but I do feel bad for the students & TAs who allegedly hate me & want my/our home address (& hopefully will just forget it immediately). That argument we had the other night where I selfishly mentioned Leroy still must’ve been on my mind—vengefully on my mind.
I’m glad to see you & my subconscious somehow approve of my registrar takes-a-village-teamwork, but is it still revenge at that point? Is it me just being an “unprofessional reverse amnesiac bum,” a.k.a. a mild insult that is severely off-limits to you & the loud mouth that somehow netted you a 4.4 average on RateMyProfessor?
All I know is that I’m glad you’re speaking to me again, and I’m speaking to you again—even if it amounts to blackmail through our twenty-year-old burner account inboxes, which somebody’s definitely reading through right now. Lastly, Terrence pranked you. Hotmail no longer exists. But as the kids say…Google is free!
831, X, et al. —Anderson Sanaiya M. Luthar is a Chicago-based writing enthusiast. She thanks her favorite SNL skit (“Papyrus”) & her old high school’s knack for turning lost-item emails into high art for inspiring this piece.
コメント